The Five Worst Best (Recent) Pictures As Oscar Nominations Loom,

The Five Worst Best (Recent) Pictures As Oscar Nominations Loom,


The paradox of the Oscars is that while nobody outside of the incestuous parallel reality of Hollywood really cares about them, we still find ourselves drawn to the spectacle like illiterates to a Rock of Love marathon. The nominations for the 81st Academy Awards will be announced this week, so we decided to take a look at some of the least-worthy Best Picture winners, narrowing it down to more recent offenders. (Yeah, like any of you have seen Cavalcade.)

5. Rocky (1976)

Plot in Ten Words or Less: Mush-mouthed brawler in elevator shoes
fights champ. Loses.

Movies it Beat: Network, Taxi Diver, All the President's Men


Why it Won: Folks in the entertainment biz don't like to be
reminded that they're soulless whores (Network) or that people
like Travis Bickle actually exist.





4. The English Patient (1996)

Plot in Ten Words or Less: Who Knew Treason and Romantic Betrayal
Could Be So Boring?

Movies it Beat: Fargo, Secrets & Lies

Why it Won: When it comes to overlong snoozefests of questionable
literary pedigree, it's safer to call it a masterpiece than admit you
don't know what the big deal is.






3. Forrest Gump (1994)

Plot in Ten Words or Less: Mentally challenged man validates Baby
Boomer nostalgia.

Movies it Beat: Pulp Fiction, The Shawshank Redemption

Why it Won: Not satisfied with giving Hanks the Oscar for
Philadelphia the previous year, Hollywood wanted to show its
appreciation for classics like Bachelor Party and The Man
With One Red Shoe all over again.






2. Chicago (2002)

Plot in Ten Words or Less: Renee Zellwgere overacts. Richard Gere
sings. John C. Reilly winces.

Movies it Beat: Gangs of New York, The Pianist


Why it Won: Sorry, but it was too soon after Sept. 11 not to
honor a moldy 27 year-old musical instead of a bleak war movie or
something with "New York" in the title.

1. Crash (2005)

Plot in Ten Words or Less: Blacks are people too. Asians, not so
much.

Movies it Beat: Good Night and Good Luck, Brokeback
Mountain

Why it Won: The Academy is always more comfortable patting itself
on the back for acknowledging racism than lauding political allegory or
recognizing gays when they're not dying of AIDS.






-- Pete Vonder Haar
8 comment(s) / Post a Comment
Dan Mecca says:

Agree with this list for the most part. I would, however, replace Forrest Gump with American Beauty over The Sixth Sense and The Insider (admittedly that was a rough year for Best Pic Noms) and replace Chicago with Shakespeare in Love over Saving Private Ryan. That being said, those are a solid 5 for Best Worst. Cheers.
Posted On: Tuesday, Jan. 20 2009 @ 12:19AM
Charles Zhang says:

Thank you so much for naming Crash as the worst Oscar winning movie. As an Asian American, I did not get why everyone like this movie at all. It was definitely a snoozer, because i did not remember a single thing from that movie.
Posted On: Tuesday, Jan. 20 2009 @ 12:20AM
Iago says:

My "Shoulda been the Winners that Year" list:

5. Network (1976)
4. Fargo (1996)
3. Pulp Fiction (1994)
2. The Gangs of New York (2002)
1. Goof Night and Good Luck (2005)


Posted On: Tuesday, Jan. 20 2009 @ 12:30AM
Tom Buckner says:

Never saw Crash, never saw Patient. Rocky and Chicago, okay but far from the best thing made that year.

And Gump? Hanks, pretty much always great. Sure. Zemeckis? Can be great too. Rather have seen Cast Away as a Best Picture. But Gump. Eh. I read the book before I knew there was going to be a movie, and it's not the same. Biggest dislike: the movie seems like Rush Limbaugh had script approval. "You need to make dirty hippies and Black Panthers look like bigger jerks. Hey, I know! Give Jenny AIDS for being a flower child!" In the book, she leaves Gump after he gets humiliated as a pro wrestler (funniest thing in the whole book, not in the movie at all). And in the book, he doesn't have a shrimp boat. He learns to farm shrimp from an elderly Vietnamese man. "Can't have that!" Limbaugh cries. "Americans don't learn things from foreigners!"
Posted On: Tuesday, Jan. 20 2009 @ 12:42AM
Grant says:

What's so questionable about the literary pedigree of 'The English Patient'? Michael Ondaatje is one of the most respected and awarded authors working today. Throwaway lines are great - you never have to justify them.
Posted On: Tuesday, Jan. 20 2009 @ 12:51AM
Rush says:

Tom Buckner, you are so full of hate. Your own prejudice and hate make any and all of your beliefs of Rush seem mild in comparison. Stop spreading the hate. And just to make things more interesting, I hate everything you believe in. You ARE the evil that is ruining America.
Posted On: Tuesday, Jan. 20 2009 @ 12:53AM
ZimZamBong says:

Questionable literary pedigree? The English Patient won the Man Booker prize and the Governor General's award. Michael Ondaatje is recognized as one of the world's best living writers. How is the literary pedigree of the film questionable in any way, at all?
I agree with your list, for the most part, but this line was just ignorant, and patently false.
Posted On: Tuesday, Jan. 20 2009 @ 1:10AM
Pezter says:

Just to emphasise the comments about The English Patient; just because boks aren't your area of expertise, don't embarrass yourself by showing your ignorance.

And one stunning omission; no Titanic? possibly the dullest movie ever made.