Rowan Pelling's sex advice column: 'I won't make love with the light on'

Rowan Pelling's sex advice column: 'I won't make love with the light on'


The former Erotic Review magazine editor answers your sex questions...


QUESTION: I've been with my boyfriend for a year and we enjoy an active sex life, but he recently told me that he finds it upsetting that I won't make love with the light on. I find it hard to undress in front of someone else, let alone to have sex with my less-than-perfect body exposed to scrutiny.

My boyfriend says I have a lovely figure and he can't imagine living with someone too inhibited to be naked in front of him.
Woman covering herself in bed

When one person in a relationship is excessively inhibited, it can put a fatal dampener on their partner's emotions

ROWAN SAYS: The biggest failing of modern feminism must be the fact women are so hard on themselves about their bodies. Far too many of us look in the mirror and feel ashamed for not looking like a supermodel. So you are not alone in your phobia. Yet how many males castigate themselves for not having the body of David Beckham?

Does your boyfriend have a six-pack and steel-sprung buttocks, and would you love him any more if he did?

The lesson we should learn from men is that sexual allure is intrinsically linked to self-worth: a person of average looks who is happy in their own skin will generally be perceived as more attractive than a more conventionally good-looking person racked by self-loathing.

Just look at singer Beth Ditto (a size 22) flaunting her curves as the naked cover star of the new fashion magazine Love.

So, harsh though it sounds, I think your boyfriend has a point when he says that your poor self-image might prove a deal-breaker. When one person in a relationship is excessively inhibited, it can put a fatal dampener on their partner's emotions.

If you think of sex as a celebration of the union of two bodies, then it's easy to understand how swiftly the jubilation fades if only one person is truly feting those bodies.

I have a male acquaintance whose marriage fell apart over precisely this issue: he said it was impossible eventually to feel desire for his wife if she couldn't bear the sight of her own flesh.

He didn't leave her for someone younger or prettier, but for a woman who was at ease with her own imperfect physique.
Turn the lights on when you make love if you want to hang on to your man

Having said that, it's incredibly hard to suddenly flaunt your body with confidence. TV shows such as How To Look Good Naked suggest that all a bashful woman needs is a camera crew and an audience of millions to reinvent herself as a nude siren. Back here on planet Earth, I suggest a gentler approach. It's hard to feel at ease without your clothes on if you never spend any time disrobed.
rowan pelling column

Perhaps start by experimenting with dim lighting - candlelight can be very flattering, says Rowan Pelling

Why don't you first try wandering around the house nude when your boyfriend isn't there, just to get used to the sensation? Take a good, long look at yourself in a full-length mirror and try to focus on your good points, rather than your shortcomings. It's vital that you believe your boyfriend when he applauds your figure.

There's nothing more tedious than women who wail 'Oh no, I'm hideous!' I know whereof I talk. When I was 20, I was more than two stone heavier than I am nowadays, suffered from mild acne and was far less confident.

So I was startled when a sculptor asked me to sit for him naked. It was a very challenging thing to do and I felt crushingly shy at first, but it really helped me to see that my curves and folds of tummy fat weren't actually repellent.

Ever since then I've made a very conscious effort to be at peace with my body.



One friend of mine who has always struggled with her weight booked herself onto a burlesque course, which included lessons in stripping, to increase her self-confidence in the boudoir.

Of course, these are rather extreme measures, but they do demonstrate how you can challenge your body image and increase self-confidence.

Even nude sun-bathing or skinny-dipping can help if you find yourself in a deserted spot on holiday.

In terms of your relationship with your boyfriend, I would make incremental changes. Perhaps you could suggest that you start by experimenting with dim lighting - candlelight is very flattering, not to mention suggestive and sexy.

If you still feel inhibited, how about wearing a sexy slip? Sensual lingerie displays erotic confidence, but it also saves you from baring all.

You're missing out on one of love's greatest experiences if you've never looked into your partner's eyes as you or he reach orgasm. So the benefits of heeding your boyfriend's pleas to let the light in should be manifold.