Before people start losing their minds and sending us hate mail, it's not like we're suggesting that movies should ever be remade. But that's like saying it should never rain. Good luck with that. As Hollywood continues its headlong run into being completely creatively bankrupt, there are more and more remakes every year. In just January, horror fans will be subjected to The Uninvited, a remake of the great The Tale of Two Sisters, and a 3D version of My Bloody Valentine. With Jeffrey Katzenberg's recent claim that every movie will eventually be in 3D, the mash-up artist in our brain realized something - My Bloody Valentine 3-D is just the start. Eventually, we will be subjected to awful remakes in more than two dimensions. Why deny it? Embrace it. We’ll tell you something right now. If Underworld: Rise of the Lycans was simply called Underworld 3-D, we’d be a lot more excited about seeing it. They’re making Tron 2.0 in 3D and a 3D Godzilla movie (both GREAT ideas). What other movies could actually be enhanced by the inevitable 3D remake bandwagon? Let us make some suggestions....
- Brian Tallerico
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THE ABYSS
One of the technological advancements that have driven the new wave of 3D has been an emphasis on depth over the old-fashioned element of throwing things at the audience. The idea being that 3D will be used to turn movie screens into more of a window than a trick. (Think of more films like Beowulf and less like Captain EO.) When we think of on-screen depth, one of the first movies to come to mind is Jim Cameron's amazing The Abyss. Imagine fully grasping the scope of the massive underwater world in a way a fictional film has never been able to produce before. And the plot of The Abyss, with water creatures that could move forward, back, and into the seat in front of you? Of course, we're talking about the director’s cut with the tidal wave at the end. Three words – 3D tidal wave. It's a perfect fit. Considering Cameron is apparently re-inventing 3D himself on this year's Avatar, maybe he could do his own remake?
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EVIL DEAD 2: DEAD BY DAWN
Ideally, we'd still love to see an Evil Dead IV in 3D. Picture it. An over-the-hill Ash struggling with the deadites yet again, helmed by Sam Raimi himself. We know that it will never happen but a Bruce Campbell fanboy can dream. So, let's wait a few years and let someone else with Raimi's lust for life try and remake Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn in three dimensions. Why Evil Dead 2? Well, it's the best of the three Ash movies and Raimi's evil cam, the one that races through the woods every time an evil force is on its way, would look wicked cool in three dimensions. Plus who doesn't want to take a date to a movie with a 3D popped eyeball?
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SERENITY
It almost sounds like a joke to suggest making a film about Bruce Banner again, but bear with us on this one. It hasn't worked. Twice. And yet there's still something in the concept of a man who you just don't want to make angry that SHOULD work. Why hasn't it worked? Because Ang Lee didn't make a movie entertaining enough for general audiences and Louis Leterrier made one that reeked of its desperate desire to entertain by wrapping a paper-thin story around three set pieces. Come on. Someone can do a better job of making a Hulk movie. In fact, it WILL happen. Maybe not for a decade or so, but someone will get The Hulk right. And he's the best hero for the depth of 3D. Him or Spider-Man. But the last Spider-Man movie felt like it was practically authored for 3D with its jumble of characters and nearly 3D action scenes and that didn't quite work for everybody. Let's throw another pitch to the big green guy and see if it's strike three.
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THE HULK
It almost sounds like a joke to suggest making a film about Bruce Banner again, but bear with us on this one. It hasn't worked. Twice. And yet there's still something in the concept of a man who you just don't want to make angry that SHOULD work. Why hasn't it worked? Because Ang Lee didn't make a movie entertaining enough for general audiences and Louis Leterrier made one that reeked of its desperate desire to entertain by wrapping a paper-thin story around three set pieces. Come on. Someone can do a better job of making a Hulk movie. In fact, it WILL happen. Maybe not for a decade or so, but someone will get The Hulk right. And he's the best hero for the depth of 3D. Him or Spider-Man. But the last Spider-Man movie felt like it was practically authored for 3D with its jumble of characters and nearly 3D action scenes and that didn't quite work for everybody. Let's throw another pitch to the big green guy and see if it's strike three.
SHOWGIRLS
Just kidding. Sorta. Dennis Miller once said about the possibility of virtual sex, "If some unemployed punk in New Jersey, can get a cassette to make love to Elle McPherson for $19.95, this virtual reality stuff is going to make crack look like Sanka." 3D Skinemax movie remakes would be the gateway drug.
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ALIEN
We know, we know. Remaking one of the best sci-fi/horror movies ever made is a bad, bad idea, but, like we said in the intro, everything's going to be remade eventually and, when the words "3D remake" first popped up, this is one of the first movies we thought of including. Think about it for a minute. The depth provided by 3D would have the opposite effect as it would in The Abyss but it would be just as powerful. It would amplify the claustrophobia of the Nostromo to nearly unbearable proportions. Alien already has an incredible ability to make the audience feel like they're right there next to Dallas, Ripley, Parker, Lambert, and the rest of the crew, but it would be that much more powerful in 3D. Crawling through the vents with Dallas. Chasing after Jones. And, of course, the alien attacks. We're getting scared writing about it.
GONE IN 60 SECONDS
A car chase movie in 3D is inevitable. Picture a 3D camera on the front of a speeding car. The sensation of true audience danger wouldn't be more distinct in any other genre. But what racing movie? Honestly, they should probably author one for 3D, but if they had to do a remake, the final reel of Gone in 60 Seconds would be a great candidate. We certainly don't need another Fast & Furious movie. If not Gone in 60 Seconds, considering it has been remade once already, how about Cannonball Run? Redline? Days of Thunder? Come to think of it, there aren't a lot of good racing movies.
A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET
The truly scary thing about the Wes Craven original was that Freddy Krueger could enter your dreams. He was a villain who popped off the screen and could get you while you sleep. There are so many striking visual images from the original Nightmare on Elm Street that would be that much more powerful in three dimensions. Just the Johnny Depp "blood bed" scene would be all the more terrifying in a third dimension, and you know those remake whores Fuller, Form, and Bay (the guys behind Texas Chainsaw Massacre and the new Friday the 13th) will get around to doing this, if they're not already planning on it. It's only a matter of time and, hopefully, will be more tolerable in 3D.
What do you think? Did we miss some obvious choices? Are you itching to see a 3D version of "Alvin and the Chipmunks" or "The Blob"
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